The Dangers Of Texting – From A Repeat Offender

Image courtesy: Google

I had an interesting conversation with a friend today; it was on Whatsapp, the wonderful messenger app. So, in essence we were texting, back and forth. I’ve realised, as wonderful as the written word is, it can open up a … Continue reading

A Day Spent Painting While It Rained Outside

As the title of the post suggests, I have been painting most of the day and because it was raining outside and our light has burned its fuse, in near darkness. That did not dampen my artistic drive today though.

I started with a piece for a friend who will carry my gift back with her to Czech Republic! I mean, that is a high in itself, my painting hanging on a wall all those many, many miles away. She is a real sweetheart and I wanted to do something nice for her, what better way to thank someone than some personalised art! I present to you my very imaginatively titled – Poppies 2

poppies

And then, I did a series of small canvas pieces, all sized 3″ x 8″. I really enjoyed doing these ones, each one is for a specific person and I’m really pleased with my output today. I feel really good about life and I’m raring to jump right back in! Here they are, the four, in no particular order:

heather

Four individual pieces

These are all painted with acrylic paints on un-framed canvas, for ease of transport. I really enjoyed painting with acrylics again as I’ve been experimenting with watercolours a lot lately. If you’re interested, I can be tempted (*ahem*) to do a post on them too.

Cheers, everyone!

A Friend (Nowhere To Be Found) In Need

Courtesy Google Images

This post started off a lot differently than what I am going to write about today. I initially went off venting a little excessively against a few whom I considered to permanently reside under the canopy of friendship for me. Maybe it was fate intervening that I was unable to finish the post that day. Whatever it was, I’m glad that the final product is this.

As anyone who has been a regular reader of the blog will know, the last seven months or so have been a complete re-everything of my life. I feel tempted many times to reveal what the event was that brought all this reassessing into play but it is a part of my life I consider well on its way out. It is slowly but surely fading out, not to the sound of any melancholic wheedling tunes on a flute but to the rousing chorus of “good riddance”! So I do not want to give the issue any more time in the limelight, suffice to say I spent many years living as half of a lie I wasn’t aware of and even though I struggled when I was first freed of it, I am now glad.

Ok, so back to the topic – friendship. I wrote a poem about change in friendship a few years ago. But even there I was optimistic of meeting after years and saying to each other, “You haven’t changed a bit!” Now, after my little personal tragedy I no longer feel confident enough to declare anything of the sort, I do not think that I will even meet them again in life, ever. I think we have outgrown our friendship so much that there is no going back. I really believe the old saying about a friend in need being a friend indeed. If a friend of mine called or reached out to me, after years even, with the sort of thing I was and am going through, I’d do my best to be there for them. I’d listen and let them vent to their heart’s content. I wouldn’t preach because everyone’s life story is so different that I wouldn’t assume to know exactly what they were feeling but I would try. One formula can’t be applied to the same problem faced by two different people. Such is life and if even that small mercy escapes you my friend, I’m afraid I was deluded to think we were still the best of friends.

This realisation hurt me a lot when it first hit me. I mean, this was the friend whose photograph I carried with me to college and the one I ran to with all my troubles and joys for upwards of a decade. I still have all the little trinkets and gifts she gave me and that framed photograph still sits on my headboard. I would have still been okay if it was the difference of opinion that was the only issue but I haven’t heard so much as a peep out of her, concern or otherwise, for the last six months. In the initial stage of searing pain she told me to pretty much suck it up and move on and I wasn’t ready to hear that and I didn’t need to, not then. A little bit of kindness goes a long way. I will always consider her a friend but there will be no more baring of heart happening. Recently another friend made all the right noises and sympathised when I told her but when I wanted to share in her life she told me that she was no longer comfortable doing that as we had not been in touch through my rough period. Ok, I get that too though it made me feel mighty silly for opening up my heart again. Strike two.

Since I have a lot of time on my hands, my thoughts tend to go off on many different tangents and I let them bounce around freely because I’ve found that I understand myself better through this exercise. When I did not have the support system I so desperately reached for in the initial days it pushed me a little ways back down the slippery slope. That’s not to say life’s all bad. Others have stepped into the shoes of those friends who had vacated their spots without telling me. A shining star in my life now is someone who I have known barely a year, just a few months when tragedy struck. She is a straight talking, no nonsense, fiercely protective sweetheart. No wonder we get along so well as I do not toy with bull beep either, I tell it like it is and I appreciate having someone like her in my life, someone who will keep me grounded. She only ever tiptoes on the line of being preachy but never over-does it. Another friend I have found to lean on in the last few days is one of the first people I befriended when I first started at boarding school. She has seen more than her fair share of pain in life and even though she hadn’t reached out to me then, I am glad I can be there for her now. Since she went through something similar to what I am now, she just gets it, I don’t need to make her understand. I hope they know who they are! Love you girlies!

The winding down of last year and the months gone by of this one have been some of life’s greatest lessons for me. Sure, some of them were painful and I naively wish that I had been spared but I am now a better person. Better because I understand myself better, I no longer view myself through the pronouncements of that other person to whom I handed off all the power to my life. I have nothing to be sorry for. I love and accept me for me and in that I do not need to give any form of justification to anyone.

After coming to this profound enlightenment (through a lot of reading of positive thinking, healing and spiritual blogs and websites and a whole lot of self-contemplation) I think it is only fair that I do the same for all the human beings I share my life with. My friend is living her life story and it wildly differs from mine and I am in no way entitled to her understanding or love or friendship. So, I let go now of that hurt and forgive her. I forgive myself also for any lack on my part. I forgive to move past it and give peace to my mind. And I welcome into my life all the goodness that is coming my way, the friends who are now helping me stay focused, all the new friends I will make along the way and for the new life that is beckoning me. My heart is full and my eyes are dreaming of blue waters and white sands. It looks like my dream to be somewhere by the ocean, sipping a cool beverage, book in hand, basking in the sun is on the brink of coming true!


Picture courtesy : Google Images

Loving You

There’s a lot to be said about the perks of loving from afar. A kind of one-sided love, the kind you can feel towards someone with any degree of intensity you choose and yet bypass the bad side of it. Love isn’t all walking hand in hand into the sunset and rose petals falling from the sky, as anyone who has ever loved will tell you. So yes, loving from afar may save you a few bruises but is there any real point to it?

Love is a risk. It is a gamble. We can only ever speak for ourselves in a relationship. We can only truly know the intensity of our own feelings, the other person can convince us of their devotion or aversion and we would be none the wiser. I am not being pessimistic here, it is just an observation that we can only ever truly quantify our own love. I do believe we inherently know when we are in the presence of love but it isn’t a fool-proof radar system. The safety net need not always be where we think it is when we jump. Because how we view how someone loves us is all mixed up with how we feel as well. An amalgamation of shared memories, feelings, interpretations and thoughts.

There has been only one time in my life that I have loved with an intensity that made me weep (and not foolish teenage tears). It probably will be the last time as well. Love should be simple, right? Sadly it isn’t the case. So many things and people tug at the corners of a love woven by two people and if something or someone tugs too hard it might be the loose thread that unravels the entire creation. Have you ever knit or crocheted with wool? When I was learning to knit I would pull apart my starter yarn every so often because I dropped a stitch and also I had only one small cheap roll of yarn to use to learn the basics. You know what happens when you try to use unravelled yarn to knit again? It is all crumpled and will not go back to the smooth length of yarn it once was. That, like love, is the risk – never quite being the same again.

I wish there was some way to go back in time. I know it isn’t a unique wish, most of us have wished for this exact thing. But I’d like to go back in time with the knowledge I have today, having seen the view from the other side, not to avoid falling for him, but to handle the tugging better. I let it get the better of me and now I am like that unravelled yarn, crumpled. I’ve been picking up those crumpled pieces and weaving my own hammock this time. It is a hammock for one.

He doesn’t read, doesn’t even know I have this blog and even if he did I cannot say for sure he would read it. It was truly the most awful feeling to go from being a couple to being strangers in a handful of moments. I feel like one half of a whole, like an earring whose pair has been lost, that sits amongst all the other shiny baubles wondering if it will ever be worn again, whether its good days are over. A brave girl might mix and match it with a half of another pair but it will never really be part of a true pair again. I try not to let it show, I try to put on a brave face but sometimes I need an outlet and today it is this.

Sometimes I’ll think of a memory we shared and want to remember it just as it was, not with the grey shadow of loss lurking over it. I’ll see something on TV or read something in a book and I’ll be hit with the loss all over again, feeling the pain afresh. I read something the other day that went, “Loving someone who doesn’t love you back is like waiting for a ship at the airport” – and that is exactly where I am waiting. I’ll almost pick up the phone to text him something funny or to ask for his opinion. It isn’t a fresh loss and yet the pain is still fresh, gleaming like a ripe berry.

There’s so much left to say, so much life to be lived, so much love to be shared and when I think that none of those things will happen, it breaks my heart. I don’t know if I can say them to him ever but I do need to say them.

I did not love you because it was easy, I loved you despite all the hardships, the misunderstandings and problems because it was all worth what we had. I did not love you to feel tethered, I loved you to be free because I knew I could leap and you’d catch me, no excuses. I did not love you to cage you, I loved you to soar high above the clouds together, you and I. 

I will not defend myself because we are all in this journey for the first time and make mistakes – as did you. I loved you for many years, many reasons, many depths. I let your love be the tide I dived into without ever spluttering. I let your love be the wall I ran my fingers along as I walked in the dark. I loved you a little less sometimes, because I am still a child and live temperamentally, but I loved you all the same. 

I remember telling you when you first professed your love to me and I was months away from loving you back that I was not an easy person to understand, that I do not understand myself. I practically warned you to stay away from me because somewhere deep inside I knew you were the deserted island I’d never leave once I got there, the one I’d never want to be rescued from. I let you be my benchmark man, my yardstick to measure what a man should be. You were the only man I trusted to never abandon me, no matter how rough things got. I let myself dream of forever in a world where I was surrounded by abrupt endings.

In loving you I found that pain felt in the heart is far worse than any physical pain. In loving you, I actually realised where my heart was located, because that is where it hurt (still does) when I thought of my world without you in it. I realised possessiveness, irrational jealousy and downright ridiculous tantrums sometimes. But I thought you’d stick by me through it all because like you told me that evening when I was trying to tell you not to love me – in loving me there was no need to understand me any other way. You weren’t a romantic but when you told me that the first time you saw me you knew I’d be the girl you’d marry – it was better than any grand gesture.

I want to run to you with my problems, I want to fall asleep with my head on your chest, I want to ask your opinion about my next haircut. I want to pick out shoes with you, I want to sit outside in the evenings holding hands and go to expensive coffee shops where all you’ll ever have is cappuccino. I want to watch you enjoy chicken biryani with chicken gravy, the only meal that gets you to tear your eyes away from the TV. I want to experience parenthood with you, I want to travel the world with you, I want to love you till my last breath. I want you to be last thing I see before I leave this world. There is just so much I still want to do with you. Like not ever having to use the past tense when speaking of you, for starters.